Disappointment and Other Negative Waves

Always with the negative waves Moriarty, always with the negative waves. ~ Oddball, in Kelly's Heroes

I recently managed to not get something done (well) my wife asked me to do, and I simply cannot express how terrible I feel when (I feel) I disappoint her, or perhaps when (I feel) I am a disappointment to her. Sure it's true everyone has up days and down days, and usually I only wish I could predict them just so I can adjust to what's coming (you know, "today's going to be mostly up with a bit of down near the end"). But it I wonder if I might simply be able to change my real-time point of view to a better (happier) perspective.

On one hand, I have already discussed how, in a way, a mental framework invariably 'addicts' a person to symbols compatible with that framework and since no one can get rid of having a mental framework entirely, I wonder if a side affect of my particular framework addiction is simply that I am overly affected by my wife's emotions. And there are several points to consider here: first my wife usually isn't nearly as upset by my 'failures' as I am, so I (in my framework) might just be over-reacting. Second, even if she is as upset with me as I imagine her to be, considering how temporary her feelings often are I wonder if feeling the full emotional brunt of her disappointment through my framework is wise. And thirdly, if I, through my framework, paid more empathetic attention to precisely what she actually is upset about, rather than what I feel her to be upset about, I wonder if I might realize she is not so upset with me as with some thing, circumstance, or action (regardless of my contribution).

All three are a matter of perspective frame changes, but the first two are emotionally distancing with a general idea of taking 'the larger picture' of either my failure (e.g. "it's a process", "it's a work in progress", "I'll get over this") or of her emotions (e.g. "she'll get over this"). And while there is something to be said for increasing my self supportive and self reliant symbols (and personal motivation and responsibility symbols) in my framework, I would rather not do so at the expense of decreasing our intimacy. Of course, this makes me wonder if more 'me reliant' really equals less 'she reliant' really equals less intimacy, just how much any relationship is a simple matter of emotional (inter)dependency and addictive thinking.

Yet the third one is increasingly (and unsurprisingly differentially) intimate, but here's the rub: I think such immediate reframing and real-time acceptance takes two people. And of course it may be the point that one person can reframe, or will be willing to reframe, only so much perspective in a relationship. But if this is so, it makes me wonder how to turn the corner on relationship negativity more quickly, because these small scale irritations, disappointments, even failures, do and will happen.

And then again on the other hand, perhaps I treat the stress of temporary 'negative waves' in a relationship too seriously; this isn't so much the 'maintenance of loyalty' as it is the 'maintenance of romance', or perhaps the 'maintenance of intimacy', or perhaps even the 'maintenace of positive waves'.