The Push Back

I normally have no problem with wanting to do whatever will make my wife happy. It’s the way I want our lives and relationship to be; I want her to relax, do what she wants, and enjoy life. However, on the rare occasions of my octopus pride, I really have no idea what I really want, no idea why I’m saying what I’m saying, no idea why I’m doing what I’m doing.

After the fact I usually realize what I most wanted was for her to not put up with my nonsense, just push back at me with her expectations, push back at me and maintain an attitude of insistence. Just like any and every other time she wants something, I want her to just insist I do whatever it is she wants, do whatever it is her way. Even when at my worst, I still want to glory in the glow of her desire more than anything else.

On some level this ‘push back’ is reminiscent of the ‘female domination’ many men desire, and I also think men in any relationship want their partners to push back at them a little bit. In any relationship pecking order fight, the push back shows strength of character, and that’s good to have in a partner – except the female led man often fights to lose. He wants his partner to give some recognition of their relationship power dynamic because it’s a love symbol he understands, even though this is like throwing a temper tantrum to get the authority and attention of parental punishment. Something my wife recently said made me think I might merely have unreal expectations, and then just being unaware of my internal emotions leads me to act a little like an idiot and a little short of social expectations. I’m not sure if being an idiot is better than being a child, but I don’t think it matters.

Whether domination or something less than domination, riding roughshod over me is not her style, not something she actively enjoys, and I’d rather have her do more things she actively enjoys than have the push back. And I don’t want to act like a child or an idiot; if there’s a problem, I want to figure it out and communicate, you know, like an adult.

Relationships need adequate and accurate communication and symbolization, for everything from an effective ‘I love you’ to an ‘I want you to do this.’ What I want and what she is willing to give both have to be communicated and negotiated, probably constantly evaluated and ever adjusted, in order to consistently best meet both our needs. If I want an adjustment, I want two to tango on a two way street, not temper tantrums or idiocy until accountability or ’punishment’ is achieved.

So the sooner I learn to stop my octopus and listen to my interior compass, the better.