Fitting If Differently Equal

Much of my youth remained unfulfilled because I believed my 'perfect partner' would be my 'perfect equal', a person identical to me in interests and desires, and then when the reality of humanity eventually forced me to give up this idea I spent some time believing I might attain sufficient intimacy piecemeal. I discovered the problem with piecemeal intimacy quickly because the lack of time and effort spent on sufficient symbols clearly resulted in insufficient paths of expression from interior to interior.

But it took time to learn identical interests and interior spaces, or even just largely common interests and interior spaces, is not the same thing as intimacy, though such commonality may afford similar starting symbols and so more easily facilitate the communication and understanding passing from interior to interior that is intimacy. Thus in relationship mathematics one plus one does equal one, but those ones need not be equal and identical in shape, personality or interior, and the fitting we feel in a relationship does not depend upon 'equal' as identical in nature, or even similar, or even congruent. Just as there are different kinds of equality, there are different kinds of fitting matches; a left and right glove match, but so do two left gloves, or different color gloves is the same size, or vice versa, or even the proverbial hand and glove.

Difference from other kinds of matches does not necessarily mean less functional, or less quality, or less happiness, than the popular ideal; if the sense of relationship fit and functionality is retained, their relationship is just different. Besides, since there are certainly some who have the popular ideal of high partner commonality but who aren't very happy, we should likely remember, whether our relationship is differently handed (or gloved) or not, 'what works works.'

Love Symbol Negotiation

Often my wife discerns my present devotion to her by not telling me exactly what to do, because despite the fact it's easier for me to know and do what makes her happy if she simply tells me, such faithful following orders doesn't demonstrate careful observation and loving attention to her person and character. She feels my interior space dedication level is proportionate to the level of consideration and planning my choices display, so by not telling me precisely what to do she allows me the freedom to demonstrate the level of my devotion in a method and manner, in a love symbol, she understands.

Since I prefer her telling me what to do for her happiness and showing my interior space dedication and devotion by my willingness and continuing commitment to doing those things, obviously some love symbol negotiation is necessary. Unsurprisingly, much of our compromise consists of my learning to effectively deliver in love symbols she understands because by doing so I often manage my love symbol of participating in her pleasure, yet she does her fair share for me as well. I have found making these adjustments often affords us more opportunities for greater intimacy but also improves the accuracy of our already functioning love symbols.

Perhaps the point is more about the compatibility of love symbols, for where relationship love symbols are not already adequately compatible, communication and negotiation, whether verbal or not, tacit or not, recognized or not, is eventually going to be necessary. This often means we do not always get enough of the love symbol we want exactly the way we want it all the time. Rather than simply allow our heart's reception atrophy upon what has always worked for us, we must adjust our interiors, expand our love horizons, act with a will towards the dynamic maintenance of loyalty with our partner rather than rest in an atrophy of love symbols and remain unfulfilled.

Promises, Promises

Often we pay less attention to our interior spaces, and ignore adequate relationship communication, because of some promise one of us has made. Within the concept of a promise there's an element of controlling, fixing, regulating the unknown because the future is unknown. Sometimes the only way to ensure a promise is kept is to occlude a part of experiential reality; if I am not experiencing this thing, then no promise need be broken in response to it. This is usually a recipe for unhappiness, if not disaster, and someone somewhere once suggested it was better to never make a promise than face the social and spiritual repercussions of breaking a promise.

I rather think a promise should be nothing more than a declaration of earnest intent, a well recognized level of earnest intent, but better it were less than binding upon something so unknown as the future. Some time ago I felt the need to express my earnest dedication and eager devotion to my wife and eventually gave up on any binding schema related to a promise, contract, vow, pledge, etc. After I removed as much emphasis as I could upon future, I still used the word 'sworn' but used it only to describe the essential emotion in the present .

sworn

In this great thing of us,
our ever improvised
choreography,

I am sworn this day
to do all I may to love,
honor, adore you,

to cherish you dear,
dote without fear, to increase
your peace, your pleasure,

to follow your lead,
to listen, to heed, your joy,
your bliss, to treasure.

Scrub, Not Sublimate

If sublimating unhappiness is ultimately untenable we'd better learn relationship communication, better learn how to ask so it's understood whether words are used or not; I just wrote a story about this very thing. The story is based on something my wife said yesterday morning, "This floor needs scrubbing" and that afternoon I really did start scrubbing it, but everything else in this story I just made up and doesn't have much to do with my interior process.

Mostly I was thinking about what made it hard for me to motivate myself, again, and so imagined a scenario in which a guy conquers his 'acknowledgement demon' and a woman get her way. Like most fiction, real life doesn’t work this way, doesn’t get resolved this way, but also like most fiction, I think the point here remains the point: if we pay attention to our interior spaces, in time we can have more meaning in our lives and better relationships.